I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
