$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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