we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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