this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
