dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
My cat gives me a boner
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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