I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
