I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
