can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
