I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
