We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
