The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
