I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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