Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
