i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
