I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
