I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
