i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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