gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
