I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
