He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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