Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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