i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
