just come out here and I will go home with you...
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
me + whiskey = a bad person
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
