All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
