Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
