You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
