the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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