doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
