I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
