i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
