I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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