I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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