I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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