Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
