That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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