There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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