We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Im part way to drunk.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
