break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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