doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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