Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
