i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
