I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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