she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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