I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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