i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
