I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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