it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
