dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just high enough for therapy.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
