Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
