We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
